WASHINGTON

THE NAME IS WALES, HARRY WALES, DOUBLE 0 AND LICENSED TO KILL.

IT HAS ALL the hallmarks of a James Bond plot. The independently wealthy attractive Englishman beset by demons; the beautiful girl with narrow acting ability with whom he becomes involved; the sundry exotic settings; and a central casting villain with numerous ridiculously over-the-top residences. All that’s missing is a cat.

But now a probe into Price Harry’s US visa application may blow the whole thing out of the volcano.

“He perfect MI6 material,” according to Dr Hengus Lateral of the Janus Foundation, a spy-watching organisation sponsored by Russian and Chinese money. “And if he is in America on assignment for the British Secret Intelligence Service, then this stupid probe into his drug history may ruin the whole mission.”

“There is form for this in British Intelligence,” insists Irish expert on America’s sordid spy subculture, Sean Lewhan . “Author Roald Dahl was sent to America to insert himself into Washington society during WW2, a job he did with relish, according to gossip. It allegedly won him the Order of the Golden Sword, an award given to agents who cheapen themselves in unlimited sexual encounters for King and country.”

Experts believe Prince Harry’s torrid relationship with his family back home in England is merely a front for his work. “That’s why any deep scrutiny of his presence in the United States would be detrimental to his secret intelligence work,” explains Dr Lateral. “Keep your Walther PPK handy, I’d say.”

Rumours that the Prince might face deportation are currently doing the rounds of tabloid media. “This is probably a French plot to have him expelled, so they can take him in,” says Lewhan who claims to have bedded two thousand women during his service as an IRA arms smuggler in the 1990s. “Harry living in France would be a boost to the economy and an addition to its secret service.”

And the American villain he is supposedly pursuing now?

Two words: Julian Assange.