BY OUR GOVERNMENT HYPOCRISY STAFF

CLAIMS THAT THE size of Anthony Albanese’s and Chris Bowen’s heads made it impossible for them to ride safely in the same luxury jet have been denied by an Australian Government spokesman.

“Cabinet heads are measured before every flight, I can assure you,” said the spokesman. “We don’t take chances. Look, these jets were taken because Albo’s the Prime Minister and Chris Bowen is so awesome his ego sometimes needs its own jet. And just because they can do it. Hell, they’re not paying, you are. Power, don’t you love it? Fuck, it’s intoxicating. But don’t quote me on that, I was high on the stuff.”

Experts say that swollen Government heads are a growing problem.

“Both these fellows’ heads are pretty average for men of underwhelming ability who find themselves in positions of great power,” says Professor Ursula Crocodile Mundane, a psychologist who monitors the swelling in the craniums of politicians as they rise up the ladder. “The swollen head syndrome is a problem that most people don’t really understand, otherwise they wouldn’t vote for these bastards, but it does happen, especially with politicians who are hopelessly out of their depth when in power. Study after study has shown that the lesser the talent the greater the size the head gets as they rise. And that brings with it issues of weight obviously, particularly when flying. It’s definitely possible that Albo and Bowen together might have posed an unacceptable weight problem for a single luxury jet, especially with Bowen’s almost messianic certainty that his energy policies are right, even in the face of evidence that this may not be the case. Albo is harder to gauge, as he says so little. His premiership so far has been one endless photo opportunity. Except for excuses and half apologies now and again – and of course the utter disaster of the Voice which he blamed on everyone else – he’s pretty much kept his mouth shut for months. But you could fill an airliner with the photographs he has had taken of himself. Maybe that was the real reason for the second jet that all the current fuss is about.”