BELFAST

“THERE IS A PROBLEM with weight among the volunteers, it would appear, and there is no point in denying it.”

“Neil O’P“, a pseudonym used by a senior New IRA figure, is printed at the bottom of this short admission released to the Kookaburra Bugle on Easter Monday.

For quite some time now, experts have been commenting on the serious increase in weight evident on many of the activists marching in New IRA parades.

“This used to be a problem for Loyalism, where some of the waistlines on its volunteers would make footballer Paul Gascoigne’s old mate, the late, great Jimmy Five Bellies, blush,” says self-styled Irish Republican diet king Tommy Ulcer. “Now the problem is beginning to affect the remains of the IRA. Recent Easter marching photographs are there for all to see. It could be that lack of activity is contributing to the problem. It’s all very well being at war but if there is little to no enemy to take on, you’re left twiddling your thumbs for long periods. Plenty of time for a kebab and beer.”

Obese paramilitaries are said to be a First World problem. In poorer regions of the world, guerillas and/or terrorists are still lean and hungry. But their more affluent cousins are increasingly afflicted by the same problems that trouble the rest of their society. Anxiety and depression are said to be more widespread in the New IRA than the old Provisional IRA; while difficulty with trans pronouns has apparently made secret communications a nightmare.

“If IRA volunteers continue to put on weight at the rate they are, there’ll be no one who can even carry a weapon let alone use one,” said an old veteran at a the recent funeral of a young Republican who dropped dead while trying to carry a Tricolor flag during a parade . “They’ll all be at weight camps instead of training camps.”