BONDI JUNCTION

AUSTRALIANS, IT APPEARS, can sleep soundly in their beds in the knowledge that the man who ran amok with a knife in a mall in Bondi Junction, killed six people at random because he was a mental case and not a religious or political fundamentalist.

“It a terrific relief that he was just your average wacko,” said a NSW Police spokesperson after his boss, Commissioner Karen Webb, indicated that her force was fairly confident that the homicidal maniac was not motivated by what she called ideation.

“I’m so pleased!” exclaimed mother of two Sheila, who had been at the mall during the rampage but avoided the business end of the attacker’s knife by pretending to be a politician canvassing for votes. “He appeared to be targeting women, whether by design or opportunity, so I decided that I had a chance by pretending to be the most revolting thing I could think of. He walked right by me, up an escalator and slap bang into a Russian man who held him back with a bollard. Go Russia!”

A representative of the Federal Government indicated that plans for increasing the number of bollards in shopping malls across the country was a top Albanese priority. “A million bollards by the next parliament, and then one for every Australian by 2030,” the woman said.