CANBERRA

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT in Canberra is considering making the wearing of a stab-proof vest mandatory for every Australian, following two horrific knife-attack incidents in Sydney over the past three days.

“Look, mental health is really a state issue – and Christ knows they’ve handled that one well. Not! – but since no one knows who their state governments are these days, we’re probably gonna cop all the blame for that knife-wielding crazy in Bondi Junction, and we’re definitely going to get it in crotch for the terrorist in the church,” insisted a Federal Government advisor. “So now we’re trying to figure out how much we’d have to pay out in subsidies to families, if this vest plan were to get a green light. It’s a bit like solar power, if you will, only with even more opportunities for corruption. Then, of course, there’s the problem of evening gowns and beachwear, and the like, not to mention what the rules will be for sex workers – Channel 7 pay close attention. The major concern is that Federal Government big wigs are worried about looking fat on television if they have to wear one of these things. We’re particularly concerned about Albo, who always looks a bit porky on camera anyway. a stab vest could tip him over the edge.”