LONDON

FOLLOWING A POLICE officer’s warning a man at a Palestinian demonstration that he was breaching the peace because he was “quite openly Jewish”, the British Government insists that legislation making it a criminal offence to be openly Jewish is not in the pipeline, while terrified Jews all across Europe are said to be packing at least one bag and applying for Israeli passports.

“Who needs a specific and awkward criminal offence of being openly Jewish when our police – or should I say, unsere Polizei – themselves consider being openly Jewish as a civil breach of the peace,” said a UK Government spokeswoman. “We just have to wait for them to step out on the street and we can round up the whole lot of them whenever we like. Then they get bound over to keep the peace, and if they break that, by, say, being openly Jewish again, Moshe’s your uncle, they’re well and truly nicked. No one can say our present anti-semitic regime doesn’t work. Third Reich eat your heart out. Losers.”

A major European legal scholar, however, warns that subjective reliance on what constitutes being openly Jewish could see some Jews slip through the net. Professor Hans Frankenstein of the law firm Heydrich, Stuckart and Eichmann, an expert in restrictive racial legislation who lectures at the University of Dachau and Belzec, says that “aside from the obvious methods of determining who is a Jew, it might still be necessary for something like a Star of David to be worn by Jews in the UK, just to assist the police. It’s the women, you see, how do you bring them into the net? Some of them do a very good job at disguising themselves. The police are going to have their hands full teasing them out. Look, I know where I can get my hands on a job lot of yellow Stars of David at a reasonable price. Only one previous owner each.”