FROM OUR SCARY DESTINATIONS EDITOR, VIKTOR DRAKUL

THE IRISH GOVERNMENT is planning to scare off migrants from the UK by implementing emergency legislation which will see all future asylum seekers immediately settled in the city of Limerick.

“As a twenty-four carat shit-hole, it’s hard to beat Limerick,” said an Irish Civil Servant. “Even Islamic fundamentalist reveal themselves when they are told the might be going to Limerick. I’ve already heard that five hundred migrants coming from Britain got back on the boat at Larne, while dozens more asked to be settled there. Yes, in Larne. Even dead people don’t want to go to Larne. I know it’s not as bad as Portadown, but asking to be settled in Larne. Limerick scares. Believe me. You know Cromwell originally said the native Irish could go to hell or to Limerick but was persuaded to change the destination to Connacht when he actually saw the city.”

And while the emergency Irish legislation is active, the Dublin Government is searching for even worse places than Limerick.

“We have to admit that’s a tall order,” said a Government spokesperson. “We’ve had people who know they are potentially going back to certain death, ask to be returned to their home countries when told they just might be going to Limerick. Anyway, we’re looking. There’s always the Northside of Dublin. Or, God forbid, Portlaoise. Or Dundalk. Yeah, eat your heart out, Rishi Sunak. You picked the wrong country to compare terrifying dumps with when you picked Ireland. We don’t lead the world in much, but in that we are number one.”