RWANDA

THE RECENT SIGHT of British Household Cavalry horses running amok in the streets of London, has led to whispers from the local intelligence community that the allegedly spooked animals were heard to shout what sounded like “Allah U Akbar” (God Is Great) as they set off on their rampage.

Two of the animals needed medical treatment. One was visibly covered in blood, leading some to speculate that it was a suicide attack.

Witnesses close to the shocking event were said to have been immediately sworn to official secrecy by plain clothes policemen and Security Service Agents anxious not to alarm the Great British Public.

“The thought that the sovereign’s bodyguard has been infiltrated by equine fanatics is too terrible to contemplate,” says tabloid night editor Kensey McLevkin. “The police threw a blanket over it all in minutes. The rest of the Household Cavalry’s horses were grilled for hours by horse whisperers. The five offending animals were eventually taken to a secret location near Newmarket, and left to the tender mercies of MI6 and the SAS. A story about construction noise was circulated. But believe me, this has all the hallmarks of a terrorist event. Four of his Majesty’s cavalry soldiers were unseated, attacked if you like. Not since the IRA bombed them in 1982 has the Household Cavalry seen such a thing. The real concern, though, is for the British racing industry. I mean, what if the Grand National, or the Derby, or whatever has similar animals strategically placed. I like a flutter. But these suicide horses … well!”