BERLIN

THE RUMOUR WAS that the Fuhrer of the Thousand Year Reich only had one testicle. There was even a song about it. And when Adolf Hitler finally fired his only shot of the Second World War into his own head, most believed that was the end of him and however many testicles he possessed. Not the case. That one ball of legend is now for sale.

“Hitler’s testicle has long been the subject of legend and veneration,” says historian Professor Gibbon Tacitus. “It is said that Soviet scientists attempted to extract his seed from the slightly overcooked remains in an effort to clone a new Fuhrer whom Stalin could then put on trial and hang. He was a very vengeful man, Stalin, something he shared with Hitler. After his death, the ball went missing until it turned up in Brazil in the 1970s where it was kept as a relic by, among others, Josef Mengele, the Auschwitz doctor. He too might have been trying to extract its potential when he died, or perhaps was killed. There was a novel called The Boys From Brazil that hinted at the plot. After Brazil, the ball bounced around between Nazis and others, if you will. Then last year it was found in the pocket of a dead soldier in the Donbass.

“The genitalia of genocidal maniacs is quite a niche market. Mao’s manhood is said to adorn a palace in the Middle East. Indeed, one of Stalin’s balls is used to play ping pong in the Kremlin. The prices they fetch have been rising as the homicidal leader reservoir continues to dry up. There just aren’t as many of them any more.

“During the Covid Pandemic two testicles said to belong to Nazi Propaganda Minister Josef Goebbels, whom, you will recall, was said to have no balls at all, went to auction in London and fetched a pretty penny.”