KYIV

US SECRETARY OF STATE Antony Blinken’s guitar performance in Ukraine is doing exactly what was expected by Kyiv military chiefs, as Russian troops advancing towards Kharkiv have been seen running away holding their ears.

“We learned this from Russian torturers, who played Abba twenty-four hours a day to break prisoners,” said a Ukrainian psy-ops specialist. “We’d heard Antony Blinken play the guitar before and seen its effect on people. We knew he would come over here with platitudes and empty promises, we were prepared for that. What we really wanted was a weapon you just can’t buy on the open market, his guitar playing. We first tested it on some traitors and draft dodgers, and it worked a treat. Most of the draft dodgers begged to go to the most dangerous part of the front to get away from it. The traitors did the decent thing. And we knew we had a game changer. That’s when we arranged the 19.99 gig and had the Secretary of State strum his stuff. And O boy, did those Ruskis break and run, everywhere we played it. We hurled it into the defence of Kharkiv, making sure to provide our own troops and civilians with ear protection. Some of the Russians, though, went stark raving mad.”