DUBLIN

THE CLOSURE OF the Dublin to New York Portal has taken a new turn with the news that a Dublin man, who lost his testicles while performing a lewd act at the connection, has been told that his genitals were found next to the Big Apple’s Flatiron Building.

Patrick Patrick, a street performance artist who trades under the name Wally Twofucks, was masturbating at the Portal, when what he describes as a strange force began to suck his privates into the installation.

“Next ting I knows, me fuckin ball’s is gone and I’m lyin’ on a stretcher in a hospital corridor with a load of immigrants lookin’ at me,” he commented.

The immigrants were the doctors who saved his life

Mr Twofucks had emergency surgery was already resigned to a new career when the reports arrived from New York that his testicles had been found at the other end of the portal.

“It’s a miracle,” he said. “But there’s somethin’ strange about that fuckin’ hole to New York. I won’t be wanking there again anytime soon. No, I’ll have the balls sewn back on and then it’s mime from here on in. Rapid!”