BY OUR MARKET GARDEN TEAM

WHEN A LETTUCE OUTLASTED former UK Prime Minister Liz Truss, a secret Downing Street team faced with a large number of sitting MPs saying they would not stand in the next election, decided that it would recruit the vegetables to stand as candidates in their stead. Except the vegetables refused the offer.

“Frankly, we’d prefer to be eaten,” said a spokesleaf for the salad ingredient. “We figure we’ll still last longer than the next Tory Prime Minister. I hear lemons might be willing to take up the offer.”