RAMALLAH, PALESTINE

A PORTION OF what has been described as a minute of a recent Irish Government meeting has been leaked. It’s not clear who is speaking, if it’s one voice or many. It appears to have been scribbled on the back of a Falafel menu:

“… exciting times, ladies and gentlemen, and those who have no specific gender… now that we have recognized Palestine, what can we do to help her in her hour of need? … we have a UN battalion sitting on its arse in Lebanon, which we could shift to Ramallah in the West Bank tomorrow… could start operations by driving out the Israeli settlers in occupied Palestine, pushing a company towards Jerusalem with a view to taking the city… eat dirt Moshe Dyan … another platoon-sized unit could advance to the Mediterranean and actualize the war cry From The River To The Sea… could then drop the Army Rangers (*ISOF) into Gaza, to take the Israelis from behind, relieve the pressure on Rafah and Khan Yunis … hoping Israel will destroy Hamas for us … awkward!!! … may have to go to Ryanair for help to get Rangers in … Aer Lingus wouldn’t have the stomach … would have to do a deal with O’Leary on price … no charging for sandwiches and the like … the long-term priority, however, is guns and ammunition… agreed that it would be ignominious and cynical, mere gesture politics to deflect attention from our own domestic inadequacies, to just recognize Palestine, hand the new ambassador a bigger claret budget, and then sit back and watch it all go to shite … if Palestine is to defeat the Israeli aggression, it will need guns and ammo … tonnes of the stuff … again … need Ryanair there … Aer Lingus unions simply won’t wash gun-running without a huge pay increase … bad for inflation … as for the hard stuff… significant weapons and ammunition available all over Ireland – the old decommissioned IRA arsenal … can be dug up, cleaned off and sent out within a couple of weeks… we’re in touch with the **boys about that… have a significant amount of experience dealing with the Palestinians … need to destabilize Egypt, get them on our side … send Bob Geldof and Bono on a goodwill mission to Sinai … that could do the trick … who actually speaks Arabic here? …”

*Ireland Special Operations Force – new name same people: ED

**IRA veterans – ED