FROM CROSSMAGLEN, SOUTH ARMAGH

DESPERATE IRISH OFFICIALS have denied rumors that the Dublin Government is planning to plant millions of landmines along the line of the Irish border in a last-ditch effort to stem the flow of asylum seekers running from Rishi Sunak’s regime in London.

“Yes, we have bought a hundred million surplus US anti-personnel mines at 10c on the dollar, stuff left over from Afghanistan and Iraq and all those other places the Yanks have invaded, and, yes, we have them in storage in old IRA bunkers, but there is no immediate plan to use them, so calm your farm,” said a senior civil servant.

“We’re taking legal advice as to whether using them would be a breach of the Good Friday Agreement,” he continued. “It wouldn’t actually impede free travel between the two parts of Ireland, just make it more dangerous. But then the state of some of the roads up there is equally dangerous. Look, these are small anti-personnel devices, they’ won’t kill you, they’ll just take your foot off. We want to threaten severe injury, not death. We’re not monsters.”