MOSCOW

IN SPITE OF UKRAINIAN scorn and denials, Russians are already pointing the finger at Kyiv for the assassination attempt on Donald Trump.

“This one we didn’t do,” said Yuri Gulagovich Chernoblsky, a nightclub owner in Moscow. “Know how I know? No Polonium involved. No, this has Ukraine’s fingers on the trigger. While he’s our friend, they hate his guts. They think he will sell them out if elected. I’m glad he survived. I enjoy The Donald. Make America Great Again. Yeah!”

Tatiana, a St Petersburg sex worker, said her sympathy was with the poor dead bystander. “That would be typical of the Ukrainians. They couldn’t hit a barn door at one metre. My brother is in Donbass and he says they send people into action who have hardly fired their rifle. Believe me I know about men who want action and have never fired their weapon.”

Sources close to the Ukrainian Government have poured contempt on Russian accusations of involvement. “Typical of those Muscovite monsters, they think the rest of us are like them,” said a Ukrainian spokesperson. “The Donald might chew on than when they are repairing his ear. Slava Ukraine!”