PENNSYLVANIA 65000

US PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL Donald Trump was said to be fuming after a failed assassination attempt left him with a bloody ear and a messed hair.

The Donald, as he is known, is said to be more concerned about his hair than the near miss of the lethal projectiles. “Blood he can spare,” said a campaign worker, “but his hair, that’s off limits. I know he’s furious. Whoever did this, they knew what they were trying to do. I mean aside from trying to kill him.”

The former president was swiftly removed from the stage where we was speaking by US Secret Service agents, blood streaming from his wound, his fist raised in defiance.

“It was magnificent,” said a supporter. “Courage under fire. I only wish he had gone to Vietnam, we might have won!”