WASHINGTON, DC

“PEOPLE ARE SEEING them everywhere: snipers!”

Americans are fixated with rooftops according to a new report. And this fixation is causing a major public order problem.

“Crowds and crashes, jams and delays, the whole country appears to be looking for gunmen on roofs,” says its author, Frederick Foxyte. “Ever since Donald Trump was shot, millions of human beings are spending much of their time looking up. And that has caused quite a lot chaos back on the ground.

If I Were A Hitman, which lists thousands of incidents across the fifty states, concludes that social media has expanded the obsession a hundred-fold. “It’s all over Tik Tok and X and Facebook,” says Foxyte. “Roofs, millions of them. Every time a man climbs on to one, there’s a hundred people claiming he’s a sniper. And some of them have even begun to open fire on their suspects. Luckily, no one has been hurt yet, but it’s only a matter of time. Law enforcement is stretched to the limit trying to cope. How long it will last no one knows. “