RIOTS DESK

GROUPS OF CATHOLIC and Protestant anti-migrant protesters from Northern Ireland are teaching their English equivalents the finer arts of street demonstrations and riots, using the dark web, according to police.

“The Irish, they are masters at rioting, it’s in the blood, isn’t it?” said a senior officer from London’s Metropolitan Police. “Most of them get it with their mother’s milk. It’s quite something to watch. Bloody terrifying to experience, I’m told. These people can tear a pavement apart in seconds and have it traveling through the air at police lines in a military-style volley that would break a Napoleonic square.”

The outbreak of anti-migrant rioting around England has been linked by intelligence sources to dark web lectures by people who until recently were mortal enemies in Ireland.

“Strange as it may seem, the Irish have come together on this one. It’s a remarkable sight,” says Dermot McMurrough of the Leinster independence group, Strongbow. “I mean we want an independent province of Leinster, and were happy to see the six counties of Northern Ireland go its own way, but this kind of changes everything. We’re likely to have a more difficult time in the future. Suddenly, an independent province of Leinster, once just over the horizon, is receding fast. A xenophobic all-Ireland republic might just be closer than we’d realized. I mean these buddies were once shooting the shit out of each other in Belfast, now they’re happily flying each other’s flags, buying pints for each other. And helping the English. Helping the bloody English!”