FROM FRED BARBAROSSA IN UKRAINE

RUMOURS OF GERMAN armored vehicles moving towards Kursk in Russia have sent some of the last remaining Teutonic veterans of the Second World War into low earth orbit, it appears.

“Zis ist vat I haf been avaiting all mein life,” said Hermann from Paraguay, a former Hauptsturmfuhrer in the Das Reich Division of the Waffen SS. “Slava Ukraine!”

“Our armor breaking Russian lines around Kursk, fantastisch,” exclaimed tank commander Werner, 108, living in Argentina. Then he began to sing: “Wenn die soldaten durch die stadt …” Unfortunately, the excitement was too much for him. He will be buried in Germany with as much ceremony as the law will permit.

“Vorwarts nach Moscow!” shouted Adolf, a resident of the Brazilian rain forest. “I am, vud you believe, 135 years old, and I always knew I vud live to see zis day. I vas right. I vas right.”