BELGRADE, THURSDAY

HEZBOLLAH COUPLES ACROSS Southern Lebanon are curtailing their marital intimacy amid scuttlebutt now reaching into the most private of spaces, that vibrators sold among the cedar trees have been booby trapped by Israel.

“I’m afraid it’s just regular relations, or better still abstinence, until we figure out what instruments we can trust,” said a spokesman for the organisation. “First pagers, now walkie-talkies; our people are asking themselves what do I have that might explode next?”

There is one problem though.

“Yeah, girlfriends. They come and go. We can’t be sure what they have in their bottom drawers. And it’s difficult to get our boys to admit their existence. Which means they are a source of vulnerability. What we do about that depends on what Mossad has up its sleeve next.”

When contacted for comment on the story, Mossad’s spokeswomen merely smiled.