KYIV

UKRAINE’S INVASION OF Russia has seen a marked falloff in jingoistic videos and loud claims of success in recent days as the advance appears to have slowed for a tea break, and indeed may have gone into reverse so that cigarettes dropped in the heat of battle can be picked up. It’s not clear.

Meanwhile an expert has suggested a new plan for ultimate victory.

“Them Ukrainian leadership mutherfuckers has begun to realize how swelled be Russia, and that sendin’ a slice of its soldier brothers into Russia might be like placin’ them in a Russian prison camp,” says Colonel Rich Napoleon, a former tank commander who now fronts the Rap Band FUK. “The arithmetic be everythin’, bro. You can’t diss the numbers. So the Kyiv sons of bitches is gonna have to squeeze some balls in Washington to get America United States of to ride to the rescue, all John Wayne like. Otherwise, as they say in the Vatican, they may be fucked and all surrenderin’ like, and shit.”