LONDON DESK

THE UK GOVERNMENT is said to be seriously considering a proposal to offer full amnesty to all extremely violent criminals who volunteer to fight on the front line in Ukraine, according to a leaked plan now circulating in London’s underworld.

The scheme is designed to compliment the early release program aimed at clearing out Britain’s overcrowded prisons.

“But this one is a get out of jail free card, which these villains will carry for life. They will never be prosecuted for anything,” says criminologist Jack Crippen. “All they have to do is take a weapon and stand to post … in Ukraine. The hope is that a large percentage will either be killed, seriously wounded or driven insane – the mentally unhinged are hardly ever kept in institutions any more and so won’t be a burden on the public purse – and that those who do return will have had enough of violence for two lifetimes. They will be sent to Ukraine for varying periods depending on the level of brutality they admit to when interviewed by social workers. Returning before their allotted service time is up will be an offence punishable by a long term of imprisonment. It’s a new twist to the old transportation policy of centuries ago. Except these lads will never see the inside of a court. And their files will be sealed. It’s hoped it will have the added advantage of reducing crime as well as the prison population.”