BY OUR OCEANIC CORRESPONDENT JACK KOOSTO

HUMPBACK WHALES GROWN in a lab in Wuhan are being used to gather intelligence on Australia, according to an ultra secret report by the continent’s spy services.

“What better creature to use to spy on this country?” insists Carre Ashenden, an ex-KGB colonel now based in Alice Springs, whose seminal work Intelligence In Need Of Intelligence is a must-read for modern spies.

“The humpbacks are annual visitors to our coasts, so playful they are huge tourist attractions. Who would ever suspect that some of their number are fitted out with hi-tech listening gear and cameras so sensitive they can see into Albanese’s bathroom from twenty kilometres off shore.”

An officer in ASIO addded: “They’re grown in test tubes and then trained in a simulated ocean near Shanghai before being sent on their missions. If discovered they carry poison krill in a small sack in their mouths. But the humpback is so popular, Aussies have actually assisted their spying by helping them back into the water when they run aground. Hell, they’re even protected by international law. Makes our job really difficult.”

It’s believed that the Chinese originally intended using dolphins but found that the CIA had cornered that market. “There isn’t a dolphin in the ocean that isn’t on the CIA’s payroll,” says Ashenden. “Generations of them. I suppose we’ll have to look forward to the same future with the humpbacks.”

Australia’s overseas spy agency, ASIS, is investigating the possibility of using turtles to further its operations. “It’s just they can be so very slow,” said an officer involved in tests. “That said, they do live a long time and that could be useful in planting them as sleepers. Better than sharks. When we tried them, they just kept drawing unwanted attention to themselves. And eating their contacts. Eventually, no one would work with them.”