BELGRADE, THURSDAY

A BRITISH GOVERNMENT advisory panel has called for the banning of the traditional Full English Breakfast because it feels bacon and sausages offend the sensibilities of the 3.8 million Muslims living in the United Kingdom.

The Council Against Giving Offence, which examines areas of British life where what it calls “muscular traditions” prevail, says that the presence of an entire meal containing so much pork, and so forcefully labelled “English” is inconsistent with the current make up of society across the UK.

“About 7% of our population is now Muslim,’ says Dr Fleece Sandal, who chairs the panel. “And most of them live in England. How can anything that describes itself as ‘Full English’ contain material that is so offensive to such a significant minority of our community?”

When asked why the same has never applied to the UK’s Jewish population, Dr Sandal replied: “Tiny minorities – Jews are about half a percent of our population – don’t require the same consideration. If the Jewish population did find itself growing at the rate of the Muslim population, we would revisit it. That said, what’s good for Islam is good for Judaism in this case. Problem solved.”

Dr Sandal insisted that an alternative to the complete banning of the Full English Breakfast in its current form could be the tempering of its name.

“It might be called the Offensively Jingoistic Morning Meal – so that people know what they’re eating. Or the bacon and sausages could be vegetarian. We want to be inclusive here. I mean we’re not asking women to wear veils – yet.”