SPRINGFIELD

IT READS LIKE a thriller: US Federal Emergency Management Agency money given to Caribbean immigrants so they can cook the household pets they eat, has found its ways to Haiti and other similar places and so transformed some wretched Caribbean economies that the seas around these islands have warmed halfway to boiling point and are now producing super storms at such regular intervals that living in Florida might become impossible within two decades.

“It’s the nightmare scenario the Donald has been trying to warn us about, I guess,” explained Herb Krakatoa, a retired conspiracy theorist from North Jersey whose website Doomed broke the story. “We’re being moistured out of existence. It’s fiendish. And the real doozy – we’re payin’ for the whole fuckin’ business. Federal Emergency Management Agency … we pay for that. Fuck me! How am I gonna take my grand kids to Disney when there’s a category 5 hurricane ever ten minutes. They’re becoming more frequent than buses. I gave Trump five dollars last election. I’m givin’ him ten this time. We gotta stop the madness.”