NEWTOWNARDS

THE VANDALIZING OF a statute of Paddington Bear in the Northern Irish town of Newtownards is being investigated as a possible hate crime, directed against Catholics and immigrants.

“Well, it’s well known that Paddington is Peruvian in origin,” said a police spokesman. “That makes him definitely foreign and most probably Roman Catholic. They are our twin axes of investigation right now.”

The statute which was originally situated on a park bench, is one of twenty which are part of a promotional campaign for the loveable bear’s next movie.

Initial suspicion that the statue was the victim of a paramilitary punishment attack have been discounted.

“He was found face down, for sure,” added the police spokesman. “But not bound or gagged, though. Look, he wasn’t even kneecapped. No, it look like just your standard bigotry and xenophobia, we think. We’re goin’ with that.”