FELINE REPORTERS

CAT FUTURES HAVE soared on the Feline Futures Exchange in Hong Kong, as sales of the furry friends shoot up across the United States in response to the election of Donald Trump.

“It’s mainly Kamala Harris supporters,” says Felix Lion-Cougar, an options trader based in Haiti. “Some could be a cohort of illegal immigrants in some states, eating a last feast before being shipped back to where they came from. But mainly it’s single women who are devastated by Kamala’s failure. Therapy appointments are up too. That’s a trade I might be getting into if I can find someone to make me a market. But right now I am long cats. There just aren’t enough out there to satisfy the demand.”