BERLIN, GERMANY

NEWS THAT GERMANY is mobilizing in the face of a nuclear threat from Russia, as well as bringing back less than fond memories of 1914, has caused nuclear war experts to ask what the point of it is?

“Have they forgotten the Cold War, all the films and documentaries, all the brutal reminders of what nuclear war entails?” asks Dr Ursula Greenham, who models nuclear attacks for non-governmental organisations around the globe. “Have they forgotten that the living will envy the dead? Have they forgotten Hiroshima and Nagasaki? Perhaps a nuclear war is actually just beyond modern people’s comprehension, as most of our leaders have never even seen a small conventional war, let alone what a full-scale nuclear attack looks like. If you really are thinking of mobilizing, dress your soldiers in well-marked body bags. That’s all they will need.”