WASHINGTON DC

WORD OF IRELAND’S Simon Harris seeking the country’s Foreign Affairs portfolio so he can fight new US President Donald Trump over the latter’s trade policy is said to have sent shivers down the spines of the new administration even as it prepares to take power.

“The Donald is literally carrying a spare pair of underwear wherever he goes,” said an administration source. “Nothing has caused him this kind of concern since he missed a five iron shot in Florida last year. That guy, Harris, there is, as some Limey once put it, something of the night about him. If you told me the guy was really dead, I wouldn’t be surprised. And that prep-school personality of his, the O Captain My Captain best boy in class stuff, it’s keeping us awake at night. I know the President has a special team working on the problems of Ireland and trade and tax; and all that shit. Yeah, he’s shitting himself there. Nice day, don’t you think?”