DUBLIN

WITH TENS OF thousands of homes still without electricity after storm Eowyn, and no ability to heat houses due to lack of a fireplaces, newly shunned by green policies, the Irish Government will now hand out free windmills to families in the west of the country, where the damage has been worst.

The windmills, which have been bought cheap in Asia, will be delivered in kit form, with a small guide on how to connect them to a house’s electric system once erected.

“With the kind of wind they get in that part of the island, they should be able to heat at least a kettle of water,” says Simon Unction, a green activist who says he heats his own dwelling with his family’s excess wind, which he collects in barrels and converts to clean energy by mixing it with Yak milk and tofu. “This disaster should be seen as an opportunity to do away with the whole electricity system and replace it with windmills. Spring will be here soon. Who needs a warm home after that?”

Irish Government spokespersons have been busy preparing videos to help people deal with their new windmills. “Only cook and heat when the wind blows,” they insist. “When the wind stops, you stop. Get used to it. It may be the future.”