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AT SEVENTY SEVEN, Rolling Stone wild boy Ronny Wood has been deemed too young to tour with geriatric rock legends The Rolling Stones.

“His youth and inexperience are factors even our AI computers cannot predict for,” says Simon Hugo-Witherington-Faust a quantum insurer based in London. “Mick and Keith are what we call Zimmer-Frame risks: at 81 they are now pretty damn predictable – we actually have a program that mirrors Mick as he moves around a stage, but one vital millisecond ahead of him. And since he’s been peddling the same stuff for sixty years, it’s 99.9% effective. Our computers have actually labelled Keith as dead, and for some time now, so that’s an easy insure. But young Ronny, he is a completely different kettle of drugs and alcohol. He’s still learning, still experimenting, still taking risks the other two gave up decades ago.”