KYIV

IT’S LIKE FINDING your wife in bed with your best friend. Ukrainian President Zelensky must feel like he’s been thrown from an airplane without a parachute. Donald Trump says he’s a dictator, his army is slowly being pushed back in the Donbas, and squeezed in Kursk. What is he to do?

“Attack!” says Mad Mike Mukus, mercenary leader, tech guru and owner of the world’s only naked worm wrestling league. “He should have attacked toward Moscow in force years ago. Trying to retake the Donbas by frontal assault was asinine, the kind of idiocy that dominates war colleges and peacetime officer corps. Imagine if he had captured Moscow two years ago instead of wasting his time heading towards the Crimea? Look how far the Wagner Group got when they marched on the Russian capital. When you’re fighting a bigger enemy you have to move fast and strike where he absolutely doesn’t expect it. Everything Ukraine did not do.”

“Yes, attack!” says ex-French General Joffre Clouseau, “attack, attack, attack. Put the enemy off balance, get away from his grip, fall back if you have to, but then counter-attack. Keep moving, don’t stop.”