HOLLYWOOD

ALL HE NEEDS is a cat and a weird underground headquarters. Donald Trump has provided the rest. Volodymyr Zelenskyy is set up to be a James Bond villain.

“One James Bond movie should clear his country’s debts to America, and give him a career after politics,” says Hollywood reporter Tab Arbuckle, who reckons that after Donald Trump’s roasting of the Ukrainian President, the streaming services will be lining up to hire him anyway. “Reality TV, documentaries, cooking shows, they’re all possibilities. He has so much TV experience anyway, they know they are buying the real deal.”

Gossip columnist Crab Stynger, who prides himself in ruining celebrity careers with a single phrase, says Mr Zelenskyy is virtually unsinkable now. “The Donald has already done all the damage that can be done. I mean when your buddy stabs you in the back in front of the whole world, where else is there to go? Amazon has just bought the rights to James Bond, so they are going to be wanting big payback. If the glove fits, as they say.”