BELGRADE, THURSDAY

IN THE FACE of a threat of invasion by the United States, Greenland, whose population is is only just over 56,000, has begun to train its population of polar bears to help defend the country.

“There are several thousand polar bears on the giant island, and they are being schooled in tearing Americans to pieces and eating them slowly, while they are still alive,” says Aaviak, a Greenlandic special forces soldier, who says he commands a platoon of twenty five killer bears. “If this works out, we’re going to train our Orca population to focus on Americans too. We’ve been using American smells, like Coca Cola and McDonald’s, to train our bears to fever pitch. You have too see what they do to dummies we have given them. It’s enough to make you vomit. We’re trying to get hold of something with Trump’s scent on it, so that the second he sets foot on Greenland, thousands of polar bears will descend upon him and tear him to pieces. We’re not going to down without a fight. We’re even thinking of having our polar bears transmit a signal to the grizzly and other bear cousins in North America, to see if we can spark a rebellion among this population. We need all the allies we can get.”