FROM OUR VIKING DESK

“YOU ARE EITHER with us or with the Vikings.”

The White House staffer took out his cellphone and pointed to a photograph of Greenland. “You know they only called it Greenland to sucker settlers over the sea. Goddamit, those Danes, they are cruel people. Have you read the history of the Vikings? The savagery, the slavery, the rape and pillage. Do you know how many of them served in the SS? America wants to liberate Greenland from all that. What did W say when he invaded Iraq: ‘Let Freedom Reign’. My guess is we’ll take it with a company of National Guard and a boy scout troop.”

The young man went on to lay out what he called the crimes of Denmark, which though technically sovereign in Greenland, leaves it to take care of itself. “Look, personally I don’t mind the violent past. It’s the touchy feely present gets me. You ever watch that Nordic Noir they pump out as television? Everyone’s always so rational and thoughtful. You think these people ever have an emotional moment? And the boredom. God, I spent some time there when I was a student. Jesus, is there a more boring country than Denmark? It’s a vile tyranny of tolerance they practice. Torture. Bacon and cheese and LGBTQ. Remember that Proto-Democrat, Hamlet, he was Danish. Couldn’t even make up his mind to kill his father’s murderer. You think people like that will defend Greenland? We had to do it for them in WW2. Frankly, we’ve been doing it ever since. You could call it pure neglect but I call it forfeiture. And the Inuit, they’re Americans, aren’t they? Eskimos. Fucking Danes. Make Greenland Great Again.”