DUBLIN

THE PECULIAR STATUS of Northern Ireland means that its conjoined neighbor the Republic of Ireland could use it to halve the tariffs Donald Trump has imposed on the European Union.

“Tariffs on the European Union are 20%; tariffs on the United Kingdom are 10%,” explained Montgomery Smuggle, whose businesses in both parts of Ireland include pharmaceuticals and, formerly, high explosives. “The Free State …. sorry, the Irish Republic … is in the European Union; the North … excuse me, Northern Ireland … is technically part of the United Kingdom. However, it is part of the European Union’s economic zone, which means that there is no economic border between the two parts of Ireland. All Southern firms need to do is have a set-up in the North, and they can export from there to the USA. The North will boom, if you’ll excuse the expression; the South will be given a lifeline it dearly needs. It might even prolong the Union with Great Britain, but then business is business. Unionists should be on the phone to Dublin now.”