FROM KIRK SPOCK, OUR REALITY EDITOR

RUMORS that a hyper-intelligent artificial intelligence program being developed by the CIA has made contact with the Universe, have been denied by the White House, after dark web hackers revealed that while the Universe appeared to be intelligent, it might be suffering from a severe paranoia.

“It just keeps repeating the Battle of Waterloo, over and over, in the hope of a French victory,” said a teenager hacker who has spent months piggybacking the CIA’s project. “And of course it speaks French and has a very dim view of the English. Can’t say as I blame it. Do you know the price of a pint of beer in London these days?”

Another hacker said that occasionally the Universe cries out “Josephine, Josephine!”