BELGRADE, THURSDAY

THE GOOD OLD days when a California divorce – or even three – was the biggest threat to celebrity wealth, have been cast over the precipice of history in favor of the vile internet rant, which is now the quickest way to career Armageddon and financial ruin for those in the public eye.

“The sudden outpouring of interior monologue does far more damage to a bank balance long-term because it can – unlike even a California divorce – completely destroy a career, the source of celebrity wealth,” says Max Lazarus, a PR guru who specializes in celebrity acts of contrition.

“A celebrity is far better off losing a few spouses, as while that will severely injure, it will not kill, their finances. Even a California divorce has a natural lifespan, like a disease, from which one can recover and start again. Public cancellation, after a vile internet rant, however, is just that. And normally fatal. That’s where I come in. With the right act of public contrition and a degree of humiliation most decent people could not stomach, occasionally a celebrity can be resurrected from the error of the words.”