ROME

CLIMATE ACTIVISTS around the world have condemned the Vatican for its continued use of fossil fuels in the election of new popes.

“It’s frankly disgraceful that each vote for an new Pontiff results in the burning of paper and so much poisonous carbon dioxide being sent into the atmosphere,” insisted Harridan Whinge, of Climb It, a pressure group that compares the current climate change challenge to mountaineering. “They’ve been doing this for centuries. Think of the damage these old men have caused to the climate. Surely there’s a windmill or a wave machine that can tell us the news in much the same way. Perhaps a priest might consider coming out and just shaking his head.”

Climb It’s next target will be the indigenous American community for its tradition of smoke signals. and scout campfires. “Bloody menaces,” said Whinge.