CANBERRA

ANY FUTURE CHINESE invasion of Australia could come in the guise of an old folks’ tour, with People’s Liberation Army soldiers advancing in wheel chairs and on walking frames, says a secret Department of Defence study.

“Such is the problem with aging in China, that future armies could be peopled with millions of soldiers aged over 60,” it states. “We should be on the look out for large numbers of cruise ships carrying thousands of Chinese pensioners, or Tai Chi gatherings centred on the Outback. Watch out too for Chinese purchases of retirement villages, and such like. Also, stockpiles of wheel chairs and frames and crutches and walking sticks. And incontinence pants. These latter might be a way of hitting back. If Australia can buy up large amounts of the world supply of incontinence pants, we can undermine any invasion ahead of time and severely restrict the actions of any landing forces.”