BELGRADE, THURSDAY

A WORLD-FAMOUS conspiracy theorist says that an intact Roman pot found north of Ireland’s capital, Dublin, was full of spaghetti bolognese which can only mean that Rome conquered Ireland.

“Whenever a Roman army conquered, it feasted on spaghetti bolognese,” says Josef Da Fuq whose latest work Why Everything You Think You Know About Everything Is Wrong is published today. “It is little-known that Julius Caesar actually carried a whole unit of spaghetti chefs with him on campaign, while the emperor Claudius had conspirators drowned in a vat of bolognese sauce. The discovery of spaghetti bolognese in this pot can only mean a victory celebration. Why do you think the archaeologists have not announced what was in the pot. Ireland has traded on not being conquered by Rome for two thousand years. I’m ready to challenge the orthodoxy. Rewrite the history books. Upend this conspiracy.”

Previously, at the same site a fig was discovered by diggers.

“This was the canary in the coalmine for conquest,” says Da Fuq. “Conquered peoples had figs inserted anally, by Roman legions. It was a method of humiliation. Often when a battle was near its end, and the Romans were winning, the legionaries would cry ‘Figs! Figs! Figs!’ Indeed, sometimes the mere chorus of ‘Figs!’ was enough to scatter opponents. I’m waiting for the discovery of an Irish burial site with a fig in it.”