KURSK

UKRAINIAN SOURCES HAVE reported that the whole of the Russian army fighting in their country has stopped fighting to watch Wimbledon.

“This is nothing new for the Ruskis,” said an information officer. “They’ve done it before. Indeed, any major sporting event and they just down tools. Soccer is the big distraction. Whenever Manchester United is playing there is a significant reduction in Russian attacks. Why do you think they have taken so long to capture Chasiv Yar? How long ago did they take Bakhmut, which is just down the road? There’s a shit load of Russian Man U supporters on that section of the front. The skiing season is another must for your average Russian, and, of course the Superbowl and the World Series; and then there’s Australia’s State of Origin Rugby League games. In fact, the Lions Rugby Union tour of Australia has caused a virtual mutiny in some areas of the Russian lines right now. And don’t even get me talking about the Eurovision Song Contest. They would not miss that for anything. And of course test cricket goes without saying. Shane Warne’s death may have saved us from being overrun. It’ s a little known fact that when the Russian heard that Warney had passed, their hearts sank and that allowed us to counter attack successfully. Sport and entertainment play a big part in determining the pace of Russian operations.

“So when Wimbledon arrives, it’s strawberries and cream time on the other side of the lines and everyone cheering for the pretty girls on centre court. You can hear them from our trenches, shouting at the umpire.

“If it’s not that it’s reruns of Crosby Stills Nash and Young at Woodstock. Glastonbury. And the fucking Rolling Stones. You always know Ivan is about to attack because they always play Start Me Up on their devices.

“And yesterday, when news came in of the tragic death of Liverpool star Diogo Jota in a car crash, the black flags went up in Russian trenches and they had prayers, and everything stopped. Actually, our guys joined in on that one. Tragic waste of life, no? It was like the Christmas truce in 1914, though no one played football, that we are aware of.”