BELGRADE, THURSDAY

DIANE ABBOTT’S REMARK that Jews, and others experience racism differently to black people may have resulted in her suspension from the UK’s ruling Labour Party, but it has also led to serious confusion among the world’s black Jews.

“I don’t know if people hate me more because I am black, or Jewish,” said rapper Hamish “Dotty” Shylock from Glasgow. “And do some Jews hate me because I am black? And what about black people who may hate me because I’m Jewish? This is intolerable. I need to know who hates me and why they hate me. Certainty, please, certainty. Ms Abbott has stripped me of my certainty.”

Adolf Netanyahu from Golders Green in London, says people hate him for his German name more than his skin colour, which he describes as Trumpian-tanesque. “I’m Jewish but with dreadlocks and a large stud in my lower lip. And I had an Irish father – who was Jewish through his mother – who named me Adolf just to teach me how unfair life really is. You try going through childhood in a Jewish community being called Adolf. And I served in the Israeli Army too. God, that was a nightmare.”