MADHATTER

PLANS TO TRANSFORM the Big Apple into a Socialist Utopia can only be seen a successful when there is more human waste on the streets of Manhattan than on those of San Francisco, according to a left-wing philosopher who believes New York City can achieve Cambodian status within a decade.

“It we freeze rents, and set up government food outlets, my guess is we’ll be halfway there by the end of this decade,” says Professor Mao Pol Trot, a former Stasi agent turned political science guru, who lectures at many of America’s top universities.

“The hope is to be close to San Francisco by 2030, and its equivalent by 2035, but that really depends on how much shit we can get on our streets. It takes time and real effort for a people to be reduced to that state; we have to encourage drug taking, give money to everyone who wants it, allow anyone do anything they like. You have to train bourgeois citizens to do that. I mean you can use force, and that force is justifiable, but persuasion is preferable, unless the reactionary scum refuse to co-operate. We just need the right people in office, and for good people to do nothing. Which is what the saps usually do.”