BELGRADE, THURSDAY

A SUPER-SECRET plan to make speaking English to the UK’s immigrant population illegal, is being considered by the Labour Government, according to a political blogger.

Rancid Dave Scargill, whose blog has fifteen million followers, says he has been informed that a special *Ipol Committee, set up to make Britain more welcoming for the thousands of migrants pouring across its shores, has recommended that speaking English to migrants without their express permission should be made a crime.

“… too many migrants have to face the terror of being forced to speak a language many of them associate with oppression …” a leaked memo Mr Scargill has released, says. He adds that there is a recommendation that imprisonment should automatically follow conviction for a second offence.

Radical leftists inside the UK’s ruling party have long wanted to rid the country of its imperialist tongue, maintaining that true equality can never be achieved where people are forced to express themselves with a language drenched in the blood of oppression. Furious debate is now taking place behind closed doors, about what might replace English, with majority support for the invention of an an entirely new language, devoid of imperialism, racism, sexism, transism, and the novels of D.H Lawrence.

*Identity Politics – ED