WESTMINSTER, LONDON

DESPERATE TO FIND a source of wealth to meet spending demands it cannot finance, the UK Labour Government is said to be considering turning on the Church of England, closing it down, confiscating its property and selling it all off, to keep the ship of state sailing.

“Look, hardly anyone in Britain believes in God; least of all the English,” says Dr Cromwell Henry, a noted Marxist historian. “Taking a leaf from the Tudor book of ruthless government might just save us from a financial disaster. The rich are leaving but the Church of England can’t go anywhere. Because it’s the Church of England. So it’s ripe for the picking. And who’s going to complain? It’s an empty vessel surrounded by an ocean of aggressive atheists and indifferent agnostics. Think Ricky Gervais and Richard Dawkins, et al. So, let’s strip it clean and sell it all off. Hell, the Vatican might even buy some of it from us. We took it from them centuries ago; they might might pay top dollar at Sotheby’s for a cathedral or two and anything else that takes their fancy. You have to understand: the Church of England is loaded. I mean it owns shit-loads of property and other goodies all over the place. It’d be like discovering oil again. Think of all the gender and identity programs that could be funded from that kind of wonga. No brainer.”