BOYNE RIVER, IRELAND

FURIOUS ULSTER LOYALISTS are claiming that an Irish Government ban on nudity at the site of the Battle of the Boyne is a blatant attempt to discriminate against them and prevent their traditional practices.

The Loyal Corporeal Institution, which re-enacts the nude crossing of the river by William III’s Naked Fury Fusiliers during the battle in 1690, says that they have been crossing the Boyne for centuries in the only uniform God gave them.

“It is well known that the crossing of the Boyne by the Naked Fury Fusiliers was what turned the battle in favour of the Protestant cause,” says Sammy Sam, whose naked fury was evident in every word he roared. “This ban on nakedness is an attack on our traditions and the Good Lord himself, who created Man naked before the sinfulness of Roman Catholicism brought him low.”

The legend of the charge of the Naked Fury Fusiliers is debated by historians, some of whom maintain they were actually Dutch deserters who had thrown off their uniforms and were trying to get away from their furious king.

“When they emerged from the water, cleansed, the Irish Papists took one look at them and ran,” says Dr Helga Runamede of Tara University. “Catholic King James II was so appalled it is said that he could not look at a naked body for the rest of his life.”