DUBLIN

AN ULTRA-SECRET doomsday plan, which would see Ireland selling military bases to China and Russia, should Donald Trump’s tariffs wreck the Irish economy, is said to be causing concern in the Pentagon.

“We’ll turn that fucker’s golf course in Clare into a Chinese missile site and give Shannon airport to Putin,” said an Irish Government source over a whiskey breakfast. “This tariff shite could destroy us. We do not intend to go silently. We didn’t spend a thousand years struggling to get free of one set of cunts only to have this perma-tanned bollocks do us over just as things are getting going. The Chinese will pay huge money for naval, missile and air bases in Ireland. You could fit ten fleets around our coast. The Russians will give us free minerals and resources forever if we let them in. That should replace anything we lose from Trump’s tariffs. This is existential for us.”