BELGRADE, THURSDAY

A UNITED NATIONS official has told the Kookaburra Bugle that the criminals of Washington DC could be declared a persecuted minority following Donald Trump’s decision to send in the National Guard to deal with crime in the American capital.

“This could be seen as a genocide if he takes it further,” said the unnamed official, who was distributing food aid to gangs and Hamas fighters in Gaza. “If they are deemed an ethnic minority, and he goes full Duterte on them, then he could find himself before the International Criminal Court in the Hague some day. Criminals have rights, you know. They are vibrant communities. Usually a minority wherever they exist. He’s got to know that you can’t just clear them off the streets, or, God forbid, lock them up; and you sure as hell cannot shoot them. Criminal lives matter!”