KYIV

“RUSSIAN MOVEMENTS MAY be slow, but at least they are in the right direction,” says Dr Richard Tamerlane of the Jutland Corporation, a strategic think tank devoted to humiliating failures in military technology. “It’s probably time for Ukraine to lay down a barrage of insults against the Russians, if only to cover the less than stellar performance of NATO weapons in the Donbas War.”

His comments come as a secret plan to bombard Russian troops in the Donbas with vast amounts of verbal abuse, gathered from Western Media reports, and using the latest in what he calls “desperation technology” , the insult drone.

“These are small and cheap and they just throw insults at the enemy, trying to undermine his morale. If you remember the French knight in the castle in Monty Python’s Holy Grail movie you’ll get the picture. All NATO’s jets and tanks and missiles do not appear to have done much to stop the Russian advance, and they certainly have done nothing to assist any Ukrainian gain, so with peace talks waiting for Putin to win all the territory he wants, NATO has offered its last resource to Kyiv: name calling. When you cannot win on the battlefield, you just abuse your opponent verbally and tell the folks at home everything’s going just fine. And believe me, after all these years of war there is no end of newspaper and TV news stories and armchair general comments to abuse the Russians with. The Daily Mail alone could keep an abuse offensive going for years.”

The Insult Drones, which are said to be manufactured at an old British Leyland factory in the English Midlands, can be adapted to deliver their verbal attacks in multiple languages and to the tunes of football anthems.

“Of course, once the Insult Offensive has done its job, prepare for the blame game that usually follows outcomes like Ukraine,” Tamerlane added.